just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
