I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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