I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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