she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
