Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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