i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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