You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Please, let me fuck your mom
This house was built for laser tag.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
