i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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