When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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