She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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