I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I could fuck to npr.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
