You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
