You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
