Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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