it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
