i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
