ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
