nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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