I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
