So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
