When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
