my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
