Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
