Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize