you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
