I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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