she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
