bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Randomize
