just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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