Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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