I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
