I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
