A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
