I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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