sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Randomize
