Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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