I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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