So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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