Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i love accidental penises.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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