i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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