I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
