i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
