In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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