I love black thongs
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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