i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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