im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
