Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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