just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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