You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize