you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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