Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
then he tried to convert me to islam
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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