I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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