I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
