I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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