my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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