a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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