I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
