woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
