My sheets look like a crime scene.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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