Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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